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What if Christmas is Painful?
- Family, Gift, Life, Vulnerability
- 4 min read
alisha herrick | coach + guide
Like most people there are things that I love about the holiday season, like good food and good company.
But there are also things that are hard about the holiday season that make me want to curl up in a ball and hibernate until it’s all over.
Maybe it’s because my parents’ divorce was finalized in December (’93) and joint custody meant that Christmas Day was punctuated with tearful goodbyes and sadness. (the pain of the goodbyes makes me want to avoid the hellos.)
Or maybe it was growing up poor and watching my parents struggle just to keep a roof over our heads and make major sacrifices to buy us things that they hoped would make us feel loved when really, it was their time and attention that we needed.
Or that being broke and not able to reciprocate gifts made me feel immensely guilty and unworthy.
It’s taken me years to begin to understand why I would get depressed every year around the same time.
Eventually it has come down to the reality that many of my deep emotional wounds occurred within my own family.
Feelings of unworthiness are triggered when I feel the need to excuse the calorie dense items on my plate.
Feelings of guilt are triggered when I don’t spend “enough” time with a loved one, as though it’s an indication that I love them less.
Feelings of inadequacy are triggered when it’s financially difficult to buy gifts for everyone.
Then there’s the fear of being hurt again by those we love.
Christmas has a funny way of bringing all that stuff up.
‘Tis the season for guilt, regret, resentment, obligation, fear, sadness, loss, and separation.
So how do you deal with Christmas when things are less merry and more melancholy?
Especially if you’re feeling obligated to participate in “jolly festivities”.
I’ve been learning about the importance of making safe space and creating boundaries for yourself, and I carry the belief that when we take good care of ourselves, our overall lives improve.
So here’s what I’m doing to keep my sanity this Christmas.
1. Get clear about my feelings.
What exactly am I feeling? Most of the time feelings like anger and resentment are just covering up feelings of fear and insecurity. I must be honest with myself. Side note: writing these things down is really helpful.
2. Make space and honor myself.
There are no set rules about what needs to happen or what you need to be doing during the holidays. There are only expectations we have had placed on us, or those we’ve created for ourselves. You do not have to do ANY of them.
No, you are not required to participate in the office party. No, you are not required to attend your aunt’s Christmas party. If you don’t want to do those things, find something else to do.
Do what feels right and authentic. This year, we’re going South instead of North and visiting my grandparents for a few days, and then straight back home.
Other suggestions:
Sit at home and read a book. Watch your favorite movie. Drink tea. Spend time outside. Listen to music. Volunteer your time in the community. Do what relieves stress and eliminate that which adds to your stress.
3. Receive and give in sincere gratitude
If you do receive any gifts or kind gestures be sure to receive them graciously and resist any feelings of guilt. Trust that they have chosen to give you something because they can afford to and want to. If they couldn’t afford it, or felt obligated to give you something, that’s their emotional mess not yours.
Receive and give thanks. Be grateful and respond. If you can’t give them something back of monetary value, give your time and energy. Write them a thoughtful card or letter expressing what the gift meant to you. Don’t get caught up in the reciprocity of it.
4. Give when you can
You may not be able to afford gifts for everyone in your life right at this moment, but there may be times during the year when you have the perfect something to give. Give when you can, don’t wait for a certain occasion. Give when you feel like giving.
5. Make time for loved ones when you’re able.
If the holiday season isn’t the best time for you to be around everyone, make time for loved ones another time. Wether its a surprise visit or a phone call, don’t wait until Christmas to tell them you love them. Say it when you feel it.
If you do get where I’m coming from, what kinds of things are you feeling and how do you cope with them?
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