Emotional Shifting

Emotionally.

Physically.

Mentally.

Some of the shifts have been easy. Fun.

Others have been hard. Painful.

Many have to do with how I view myself.

The shift from hating my body to just accepting it as it is. Hard.

The shift from accepting my body to loving my body. Painful.

I wish it wasn’t painful. I wish that the scars of the hurtful words of others didn’t cut so deep. I wish that the record in my head stuck on repeat with the words “you’re just not pretty enough” would just shut the hell up and die.

I want so badly to be one of those Fat is Fabulous ladies or to really feel empowered by the beauty comes in all shapes mantra.

But, for some reason, none of that is working for me.

It was rare that anyone ever outright called me fat. In school, groups of kids would chant the Jenny Craig commercial theme song at me. Comments like, “if you lost x amount of pounds, then you would be really pretty” and “you don’t want be fat like so and so”, were made out of love.

Loved ones were afraid of what might happen to me if I was fat. And so I became afraid of becoming fat – that I would be perceived as lazy, ugly, and stupid.

As a result, I have been spending most of my life trying to prove to others that I’m not lazy, ugly, and stupid.

In many ways, the development of my personality has been motivated by my fat fears. At one point I was working 3 jobs and trying to go to school full time. “Why yes, I am working like a crazy person – isn’t that admirable?” Like many who are needing to work multiple jobs, I was supporting myself, and actually needed the money. But I certainly felt pride when I told people how jam-packed my schedule was.

Through my recent processing and shifting, I’ve tried to pull back from the need I have to prove myself. I’ve begun to work through accepting the, “what if people think I’m lazy?” and the “what if people think I’m stupid?” realities.

I’ve come up with different questions to ask myself:

What if I just do things that make me admire myself?

What if I simply be someone I would want to be around?

Who would that person be?

So this shifting I’m doing… it’s bringing up a lot of shit for me to deal with. This, I hope, explains my blogging hiatus. I’ve been on quite a fascinating journey recently, and I have many stories to tell.

Peace out. (for now)