Today I set out to face my fear of death, and failed miserably.
walk to take the bus quite often, and there’s an assisted living facility and a medical care and recovery center on my route. Sometimes I’ll see shadows of people behind thin curtains standing, staring at the outside. Once, I looked up and saw the outline of an elderly woman with long, white hair and a vacant expression that quite honestly, scared the crap out of me. Most of the people I see, look as though they are terminally ill, or don’t have relatives to care for them as they get closer to death. Some of them wave, trying to get my attention. More often, I see an EMT-type vehicle parked outside, gurney in tow. My guess is it’s there to take away the recently deceased. The people behind the curtains – they scare me, and I don’t really know why. Fear of death? Perhaps.
I’m not afraid of what happens after I die. I believe in reincarnation, and that I have already been reborn several times.
It’s the physical part of the death that scares me. The decay of the body, the shutting down of the brain, the lungs no longer breathing. It is so… final.
After reading a story about a woman who comforted a dying woman by simply visiting each day, doing the Sazuke prayer, and spending time with the family, my perspective shifted. The older woman looked forward to the visit and the prayer everyday, it eased her mind and helped her sleep. The story made me want to go and spend time with those people who are perhaps lonely, maybe even afraid. I wanted to go and sit with them, comfort them, keep them company, and if they had any, try to ease their fears.
I rode my bike to the closest facility. As I got close, fear washed over me. What if it smells like death in there? What if I see a dead body? I tried to push all the irrational stuff out as I looked for a place to lock up my bike. I took my time walking up the steps and opened the door. The facility was nice, did not smell, and there was a young woman sitting at the front desk who smiled politely as I walked in. I said, “I just rode by and I was wondering if you need any volunteers today.” She kindly said that they weren’t having volunteers because they are doing a “review” or something? But she gave me the card of someone to get in touch with.
Still determined to try to find someone to show kindness to, I rode to another facility. I didn’t know what to expect here either. Will it smell? Will it look like zombies are walking around? Nope, it was pleasant, the people were nice, but they too were not accepting volunteers. Usually only high school students.
I thought, come on! I just want to sit with one person, talk to them about their life, maybe give them a hug and make them laugh. I walked across the street to the last facility I know of in the area. I was again denied, saying that they only take student volunteers.
I walked out feeling so defeated, and so sad. I just started crying. I know that there are lonely people in there, people who are afraid and I just wanted to help them not feel lonely or scared, at least for a little while.
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