I’m done with this processing business. I’m done rehashing and reliving all the stuff that is now in the past.
I’m talking childhood crap, parental BS, unworthiness, not good enough-ness, low self-esteem nonsense, all of it. I’m done.
I’m done thinking about all the things I f*ed up. I’m done worrying about sounding like an idiot. I’m done considering the numerous ways I could ever fail. I’m unsubscribing to fear.
I feel like I’ve been processing my whole life, and I’m over it.
It’s exhausting.
Fighting the same battles over and over again.
The battles with my inner self, my ego, my reptilian instinct-based brain.
I lay down my sword and surrender.
I accept and let it all wash over me.
I’ve been fighting a losing battle all along. How could I possibly win against myself?
In the beginning, she could knock me down with a single blow.
Her monstrous voice terrified me.
A whisper would collapse me.
Eventually, lying cold and broken, I used what little strength I had to learn how to fight back.
In my standing up, she’d stand taller and more foreboding.
Since brute strength wouldn’t take her down, I taught myself how outsmart her.
When she growled that I wasn’t good enough, I’d say with a smirk…
Good enough for who?
She’d scream, kick, and shout – you’re not good enough for him!
You’re not good enough for them!
We danced around these lies the last few years.
I did my best to dodge her blows.
And finally, she, looking straight at me, tears in her eyes
tired of the fight, she whispers…
You’re not good enough for you.
I stand there in silence.
Hands dripping our blood.
Dirt and sweat across my brow I finally see her clearly.
Blood-stained face. Shorter than I had imagined.
I am awestruck by her beauty, even with her battle scars.
She is tired too.
Exhausted by the fight.
I breathe deep.
Smile lovingly, a knowing nod and lay my sword down at my feet
drop to my knees
bow my head to the ground and surrender…
*****
I surrender in gratitude to the unknown.
to death.
to love, life, and joy.
I surrender my past and my future.
I see now, I was fighting my own fears.
Fear of judgment because we’re taught to judge each other.
Really, we’re taught to fear each other.
Fear and judge parts of one another, like we fear and judge parts of ourselves.
I’m done being afraid, done being afraid of you, and done being afraid of myself.
I surrender.
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