Lessons in Pain

For me, gratitude for small things like turning over, standing up, and going to the bathroom. Learning to surrender and let go. Surrendering the need I have to control things in my life. Letting go of the constant tightness I carry in my body. Asking for what I need. water, blanket, food – none of which I can get for myself. Receiving love and support from others. Being taken care of after years of staunch independence.

As much as I’ve learned, the past 30 hours have not been easy. A pinched nerve in my lower back is causing me the most severe pain I’ve ever experienced. Fits of uncontrollable sobbing are interrupted by laughter at the sheer absurdity of it all. What is happening? How is this happening to me?

Some moments I tear up because I’m scared. Is this it? Is this my life now? A new normal of constant pain? But it can’t be. We check the information online. Says that most people begin to feel better after one to two days of rest and a couple weeks of building up the back muscles. Others take months to recover.

So it’s likely that this will pass. This painful experience will pass.

So I’m trying to stay positive. Rejoicing in the little things, small movements that I can make today that I couldn’t yesterday. Joyful that I have such an amazing partner who has carried me, cried with me, and loved me.

I’m grateful that this is happening. It’s reminding me of the simple treasures in my life I often take for granted. Life is a wonderful, magical and miraculous thing. Every moment, every movement, every breath a gift. Even the painful ones.