Letting Love In

Big revelations tonight. First, I have the most amazing people in my life. People who hold sacred space for me to process my emotions, my challenging thoughts, fears, and dreams. People who stand as a witness to my becoming.

Second, I’m so deeply in love with my LP (life partner), husband, SO (significant other)… whatever you want to call him. It’s really unbelievable. What’s even crazier, is that he loves me back, just as deeply, just as radically, just as beautifully. And you know what I do with that love that he gives me freely? I (used to) put up a wall of “I am not worthy” and resist. When I’m having feelings of insecurity, he tells me how beautiful I am, and I roll my eyes and say, “Yeah, yeah, you’re saying that because you love me and you want to make me feel better. But it’s not true!” – Sounds kind of like a child being a brat to me now.

But my breathtaking love for him does not subside. I love him so much that I can’t imagine what I would do without him in my life. Then the truth sets in, that he will die someday (I will die someday too obviously), and that thought can break me down. Not because I think, “oh just someday” but because I’m a worrier, and I think, what if it happens in some shocking, unexpected way, that there’s no way for me to prepare for it? Then when he’s out at night, I can’t fall asleep until he comes home and I worry if he takes longer than he should on a bike ride. It’s these instances of worry and fear that help me to realize, that there is NO WAY I could have kids. I would lose all of my hair!