Out of Darkness: Losing Control

A few of days ago, I was feeling very depressed. It started out with paranoia and then a sharp paralyzing fear. Life was feeling like a chaotic roller coaster, and I was definitely not in control. The combination of guilt and fear, felt like a vice-grip around my chest. My inner light was diminishing.

The scariest part was that I couldn’t snap out of it. I knew that my fears were irrational. It was obvious that what I was worrying about was out of my control, but I couldn’t help feel like I was drowning. When asked what was bothering me, I had a hard time articulating my feelings. Mostly I just cried. My partner tired to help, but struggled to say the words that I needed to hear.

Fast forward three days. Today I slept in, got up, and was excited about the day. My spark was back. I connected with co-workers, got some sunshine during my lunch break, and was efficient at work.

So… how did I come out of the darkness?

1. Communicated my feelings out loud.

I tried to make sense of what I was feeling and articulated it. I like to call this process releasing. Getting it all out. The pain I felt was sustained because I was repeating the negative thoughts over and over to myself. Saying my worries out loud helped release them from my body.

2. Talked to my mentor.

I’m very fortunate to have a good friend who is also my life guide (or mentor). We’ve worked together for 5 years and in that time she has had a tremendous impact on my spiritual development. I stopped by her house after work and she picked up immediately that something wasn’t right. She reminded me of my natural state; that I thrive when my life is in order and that I need a sense of stability. She gave me permission to reclaim space in my life. The space I need to create routine.

3. Helped someone else.

A good friend who I hadn’t seen in a while asked to visit with me last night. Initially, I felt like I didn’t have the emotional energy for company, but I made the commitment anyway. She is having her own emotional struggles so I was able to share with her my current experience and how I was dealing with it. When she started feeling positive, or that I was helping her, it made me feel good! Sharing my process and seeing it help someone else, confirmed for me that I am on the right path.

4. Self-care

Part of my uneasiness came from feeling disconnected. Disconnected from those around me and especially my own body. I did what I like to call a therapeutic  shower. When washing I gently press my arms, legs, stomach, face, head, and repeat “I love you.” This helps me to be present.

This morning I woke up and was excited about my life. I started thinking again about my goals for the future. I’m slowing reclaiming myself and my life. Trusting the process.

I’m re-reading a book called The Art of Peace which has a lot of excellent verses.My favorite one for now:

“The Art of Peace does not rely on weapons or brute force to succeed; instead we put ourselves in tune with the universe, maintain peace in our own realms, nurture life, and prevent death and destruction. The true meaning of the term samurai is one who serves and adheres to the power of love.”

Peace, love, and light be with you.