Pain is a Wakeup Call

and I’m still trying to find a balance between discomfort and pain. Sometimes I can rest or sit in a position I know I’m not supposed to (bad posture) and think “we’ll look at me, doing great” only to be notified quite clearly, by a searing burst of pain, that I am definitely not well yet.

My back is in bad shape and the pain is not leaving. However, each of the past 5 days I’ve felt a small but significant improvement in my mobility. That gives me hope that I will eventually heal. Tuesday, I could hold onto my husband without him also needed to hold me up. Wednesday I could stand up from the toilet by myself, and Thursday I could sit up for about 10 minutes. But Friday, after walking around carrying books from one room to another, thinking I was good… the pain started coming back. A dull ache at first and then sharp pains. Now I’m back in bed.

There is no quick fix for the current condition of my spine. So far the best analogy is someone experiencing braces on their teeth – the bones being pulled apart and repositioned. Now imagine that happening in your back and on top of that you have a severe cavity. That’s kind of what it feels like.

Back brace included.

I have always had a hard time showing weakness. I’m used to ‘burning the candle at both ends’, pushing myself physically and emotionally. It’s a behavior pattern I’ve developed to mask insecurities and self-doubt. Needing so much help from others is making me feel weak, vulnerable, and helpless.

Let’s also add disappointed. Yes. I’m disappointed in myself because I knew that this situation was someday a possibility for me, and I didn’t do anything about it.

You see, my mom discovered she had spinal degeneration in her late 30s. I remember her wearing a back brace, having to use a weird back support thing in the car, and most traumatically, see her walk completely hunched over in pain. She explained to me that spinal degeneration is when the little cushions between the vertebrae get squished under too much pressure. When the bones come together, liquid leaks out from the coushiony part and the extra “stuff” pinches the nerves in your spine. If you don’t take care of it, it can develop into spinal arthritis, where the cushions deteriorate completely causing the bones to rub together.

This condition can be caused by any number of things like, back injury, bad posture, being overweight and in some cases, genetics. Given my poor health habits, and my mom’s experience, I assumed it would likely happen to me. I just never imagined it would happen now. I’m only 26!

I thought that I would be in a much better situation. That I would have a great job, insurance, and already have good health habits. So I’m disappointed and frustrated that I didn’t start making better decisions earlier. I’m upset that I made so many excuses in the past. And I’m literally paying the price now.