Positive Thinking Does Not Pay the Bills

I suddenly have a lot of time on my hands. As well as a really screwy sleep schedule.

I want to be a writer. I don’t really understand how that desire came about but it’s real and it keeps staring me in the face. Tauntingly almost.

“Oh, so you want to be a writer?” Says my ego.

“Yes, I want to be a writer.” Says me.

“Then why don’t you write something?”

…

“No, seriously. If you want to be a writer, write something… anything.”

…

“No? OKAY then, good luck becoming a best selling author or some shit like that, because if you don’t start doing it, there’s no way in hell it’s ever going to happen.”

…

The paralysis makes some sense to me, but it’s really annoying.

I know that to be a writer, I need to write. But I’m struggling with self-doubt and fear.

When I spend time looking for jobs, I feel like I’m wasting that time not writing, and when I’m not writing because I don’t know what to write about, I feel like I’m wasting time not trying to get money.

At one point I was looking for “gigs” on craigslist because I can’t fathom having another job where I sit in an office 40 hours a week staring at a wall, and came across things like “HOT ASIANS FOR COCKTAIL PARTY” “Amateur girls for soft-core porn Big Boobs a plus” and “I am seeking a cute girl to spoil $$$$$$ 500”    ‘the fuck?

Even though I don’t want to, I have been applying for officey-type jobs because that’s where most of my skills happen to be from. I damn well better know how to use a phone, file something in alphabetical order, and make copies after being a receptionist for six years.

In the meantime, I have been reading a lot of self-help type stuff. Some of which I love, and some of which I hate. I’m reminded of the quote, “when everyone’s digging for gold, sell shovels” where the gold is the all illusive happiness/ perfect life and the shovels are e-books, e-courses, webinars, techniques, and tools to help you get there. It somehow works because we’re all buying it. Although, to be perfectly honest, I’m not buying it because I can’t afford it. Then I read that I shouldn’t say/ think negative things like the word “can’t”. Think only positive things.

Well I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and it hasn’t increased my bank account. So there’s got to be something missing from that guru money talk.

I get that thinking positively about yourself or your situation does make things feel better.

Like, “Hey Alisha, you’re a good person. You have someone who loves you, you’re hardworking, and intelligent.” Aww shucks self, thanks. I guess things aren’t that bad.

Shortly after, there’s the panicked thought of, “How are we going to pay rent next month?”