Thoughts on Failure

I started this blog 4 weeks ago, with the intention of writing two posts a week. I’ve written five, and one “post” was actually a quote by someone else.

Part of me wants to throw in the towel and say, “well I tried.” The other part of me, sees my current failure as an opportunity for… I don’t even know what. She says, “hey, instead of just two posts a week, you should do seven posts a week! That’s right, post something everyday. Muhahaha!” *crazy-eyes*

OK, maybe I didn’t sound that crazy, but I did start putting together a detailed calendar for the next few weeks outlining what each day’s post would be.

This is my typical process. I set up a medium-sized goal – something that is challenging but totally possible. Then, when I see myself failing to achieve that goal, I’ll up the ante and add in a bunch of other things, with this kind of all-or-nothing attitude. Wait a second, if I couldn’t manage to accomplish the smaller goal, what makes me think that I’ll be able to accomplish the bigger one? That’s right, I won’t. I’m setting myself up for failure. On purpose. Why? Why would I do that?

Why I set myself up for failure:

1. I’m scared

The goals that I set for myself, usually require that I get out of my comfort zone. When I set goals with a high chance of failure, I’m able to back out when I start feeling afraid. When I get intimidated or start feeling inadequate, I give up.

2. It’s safe here

By staying in my comfy, squishy, safe zone, I don’t have to face the scary unknown. I’ve been conditioned to believe that which causes fear is harmful, so I avoid venturing out because I don’t want to get hurt or go through a painful process.

3. I know and am comfortable with failure

I mentioned earlier that setting unreasonable goals is part of my process. I’ve practiced and refined this ritual for much of my life. When I give up on something, I simply redirect my energy toward something else. A new project or idea – the more complicated the better. I focus in on the details – making lists, calendars, researching. It’s an exhilarating process. When failure becomes inevitable, I avoid blaming myself, and instead find fault in the process – all of the things I wanted to do, I simply couldn’t because of x, y, or z. Rather than beating myself up, I just ramp up in a completely different direction.

None of this is useful.

I’m realizing very quickly that this pattern of behavior I’ve created in order to keep myself “safe” has also kept me from accomplishing personal goals. So, moving forward now, I’m setting an intention. I am going to continue with my goal of writing two posts a week. When I accomplish this goal successfully for four consecutive weeks, then I’ll think about adding more.

I’m not ready to fail at this.