Walking Into Shadow

I am what most would probably describe as painfully optimistic or idealistic. Both of which are true. It it also true that I have been to the E.R. three times thanks to panic attacks.

Shortly after I started dating my husband, I had to sell my car. There went my freedom to drive away from my problems or eat them alone where no one could see me.

I was forced to find a new coping method. How about confronting? To distract myself from my negative feelings, I would confront whatever I perceived to be the cause of it. If I was feeling unappreciated in my relationship, I would confront my partner, hoping that he would do something different or better to make me feel appreciated. I found that confronting won’t always give you the feelings you’re seeking. If I confronted someone who didn’t intend to hurt me, they usually felt bad about it. Them feeling bad about it, made me feel worse.

More recently, I’ve discovered a terrifying technique. I’ll call it walking into shadow. It requires me to acknowledge a negative thought or feeling, and then sit with it. Others may call it, “lean into discomfort” but I like to think of myself walking straight into it because it makes me feel strong enough to face whatever the ugly is. And it can sure get ugly.

Facing the shadowy parts of your life is hard. Especially if you’re like me and tend to close doors on painful feelings. If I could, I would put a padlock on them and throw the key into the ocean. Unfortunately, I’ve found that no matter how hard you try to cover up those feelings, they will find a way to get out and if you’re not mentally prepared to deal with them, they can send you spiraling.

When you do walk into your shadow, it’s pretty likely that you will discover that the negative thoughts and feelings that you have about yourself or others, are due to feelings of fear. This is great news! (Says the crazy lady) Once you figure out what it is that you’re afraid of, then you can face your fear and overcome it.

Personally, I’ve found that many of my shadows lead me to a place where I feel fear of not being loved or fear of being alone. Once I know what the fear is, then I try to understand what that fear means to me. What would it mean if I was not loved? It is true that I am not loved? Is it possible, given what I know about those who love me, that I would ever be without love? What would it mean if I was alone? Just keep asking yourself these kinds of questions, and eventually you’ll begin to realize that there’s no reason to have those fears. Then you can look at the shadowy negative thought and release it because it no longer serves it’s purpose of making you afraid.

This is the method I’ve been practicing in order to delve deeper and uncover my most true and authentic self. Every time I walk into the shadow, I resurface with more clarity and understanding of myself. It is both painful and beautiful. And in the end, I am always grateful that I did it.